Terminal PMS

My husband must really love me. He has to put up with my emotions, my legal thought process (that alone is grounds for an evaluation by a trained professional) and, on occasion, terminal PMS.

I say terminal not because it is terminal for me, but more because it can be terminal to the happiness, sense of well being, and general bodily intactness of those around me. Many have seen the psycho, wine consuming, chocolate hogging beast that sometimes inhabits my body, but few have lived to tell the tale. Therefore, the warnings have not been written.

This is a story of how my husband and his satanic cat fell victim to the beast. I say his satanic cat because the cat refuses to acknowledge the fact that, despite 6+ years of marriage and cohabitation, I am not going away. That, and sometimes the cat looks like this:


Note -- This is a simulated image. The actual image of the satanic cat has been altered to protect your computers from demonic possession.

Anyway, one fine day my head was located roughly three inches above my neck and my skin was a sickly shade of green. . .I may have even been speaking in tongues. My husband was on my list (you know the one) because he was doing something . . .I can't remember what that something was but I guarantee you it was something that deserved the list, something like breathing too hard or being nice. The cat was prancing around the house, and the dog, well he was the only smart one. . .he was hiding from me in the backyard.

Also, he is too cute for me to hurt. . .just look at this handsome fellow:

Pardon the doggie porn.

Anyway, as a recap we have one hiding dog, one innocent husband, one satanic cat, and me.

Well, the innocent husband decided to take a shower, because it was the safest place to be at the time, or so he thought. I was puttering around the house when I heard a tell tale scratching sound which signaled that the cat had found our newest piece of furniture and decided to mark it as his own.

It must have been the hormones, because all of a sudden I had the super human speed of The Bionic One, and I was able to grab the cat in the middle of his dash to his hidey hole. I caught the little bugger just in time.

I am beyond peeved at this point because there are now scratches in our new chair, and I am holding a hissing and spitting cat. And then it dawns on me. . .the cat likes my innocent husband so much, maybe he should be spending more time with him.

And that is when it happened. I walked very calmly into the bathroom, announced to my showering, innocent husband that HIS cat needed some quality time with him, and then I very calmly dropped the cat into the running shower with my innocent and compromised husband.

I will never forget the look my husband gave me . . .It was a combination of sheer WTF and concern. The cat, well, he fell fast, hit the water and then proceeded to jump (as only cats can do) back into the air, through the shower curtain and out of the bathroom.

Told you I was terminal!

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For everyone concerned on the welfare of the satanic wonderful cat, here is a post shower picture of him IN THE CHAIR!

'Til Death Do Us Part

Recently, my husband and I passed a milestone . . .Six years of marriage and no end in sight.

While it seems only yesterday that our wedding day began with a stretch limo dumping its transmission and most of the fluid contents of its engine on my parent's driveway (there is a story for another time. . . let's just say that a stretch limo plus a steep driveway equals disaster) we actually have made it six years.

To many, this may not seem like so much, but to me it means we are continuing towards a remarkable victory. You see, when we got married on that beautiful February day in 2003, we were honestly making a commitment that, short of a felony, will last for the rest of our lives. In other words, we took the "Death" line seriously.

It never ceases to amaze me how cavalier people can be about the rite of marriage. However, with such worthy shows as "The Bachelor," "Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire," and most every news story out of Hollywood, I really should not be shocked at how lightly a lifetime commitment is taken.

You know, I actually went to a wedding where, on the day the couple was united, the Bride had the audacity to say that if it did not work out, she would just divorce him. On her wedding day, the woman is already looking for the emergency exit! And what did she mean by "If it doesn't work out . . ."? What, like if she wakes up one morning, and the morning breath is a little worse then normal, oh well then she has an out? What the %^&@ ?!?!?!?

For my husband and I, there was no "Emergency Exit" briefing before our wedding. Just the opposite. . . while I am a devoted Christian, my husband is still trying to find his way. But before our wedding, he did something wonderful. . .he actually went with me to pre-marriage counseling at my church. There we spent some time with one of my ministers, not only discussing the basics of the ceremony, but also talking about what the marriage commitment means for us.

We did not agree on everything, but the one thing we were adamant on is that there would only be one marriage and one union for us. This was going to be it, for better or worse . . .we were taking the permanent "E" ticket extreme ride of a lifetime, with no station breaks or track switching.

There was a time not too long ago that our choice was the only choice for a couple. Divorce was not the option that it is now . . .it was the exception, as opposed to a common day standard. While I do not necessarily advocate a return to those times . . .for one thing, I hate ironing and I am not so good with the "obey" thing . . .I do think that more needs to be invested in this commitment we call marriage.

It's not easy, it sometimes is not pretty, but God at the end of the day it is so worth it. I look at my husband now, and not only do I see the face I so love, but I also see the experiences, the laughs, the tears and the fights that have brought us to this moment in time. We have been through so much and learned so much in six short years. I can't even fathom what the future is going to throw our way.

Nope, I did not know what I was getting into on that February day six years ago, but I would not have missed this ride for all the world. I cannot wait to see what joys, challenges, and experiences the next 50+ years will bring. Thank God I know who will be in the seat beside me!